I'm Writing a show.

Hey everybody, I'm in the process of writing the script for a comedy (for the stage). If this seems spontaneous, it's not. This is a show I have had in my head for some time now, only difference is that now I'm actually putting it down on paper.

The show consists mainly of comedy sketches I've written that I've loosely thrown together into a single concrete script. I'm really happy with how this whole thing is coming along so far, so take a gander and let me know what you think.

Remember I am still in the beginning stages. I've got over 20 pages right now, but I'm aiming for 30-40. More scenes will be added, the scenes that are already there will be changed/ added to, etc. But the current version does flow quite nicely. Besides I kind of like the idea of making this whole writing process sort of transparent



READ IT HERE



More info on this project as it develops.

Thanks and enjoy,
Allan

Thoughts

I like to relax when I write. Even now as I type this I have one hand in my pants and another in my sock, which has admittedly made typing more difficult. But I overcome these obstacles for you, the reader because nobody ever taught me better. I’m not a bad guy though; sure I tried to drown my pet fish as a child, but who hasn’t. But I’m not writing this to admit to the gruesome murder of a 10-year-old boy back in 2003, instead I’m writing this to waste your time. You see, when I was only 3 months old my father put me on his knee and said “Watch me eat this sandwich!” and I’ll never forget that. I think that early memory of my father explains a lot about our relationship; but even with that said I think he gets a little weirded out every time I ask him if I can watch him eat a sandwich. Maybe that’s why he blocked my number. All of this brings me to what I think got me to sit down and write this in the first place: I finally learned how paint by numbers. Anyways, I better get going; my cat is calling me for dinner.

Thanx 4 Readin'
Allan

The Fish

I had a fish when I was a kid. This tiny little goldfish that couldn’t have been more than a couple of inches long. You see, my family moved around a lot when I was young, and my parents always felt bad because it made it really hard for me to make friends. So my dad asked me if I wanted a pet and I said that I did. I had to have been 9 or 10 years old at the time, and I told him I wanted a shark. I had been watching a lot of Discovery Channel, and they had been showing a lot of old reruns of ‘Jaws’, and so I wanted a shark. And my dad comes home the next day with this goldfish and tries to tell me that it’s a baby shark, and at first I believed him. I tried looking in its mouth to see its teeth, but it didn’t take me long to realize that it wasn’t really a shark and I remember when I realized, I got so angry that I brought the thing upstairs and tried to drown it in my bathtub. The funny thing is, it worked.

on growing up

I'm 20 now, and have been for six days, which means that it's about high time that I start growing up. I need to start taking responsibility for myself and my life... but first I want to see what happens when I light this thing on fire.

Late Night Tails

Our existence is, as many people have said before me, extremely statistically improbable. The fact that your mother and father came together (in the literal sense, assuming your father is half decent in the bedroom) and created you is incredible in a way I can't fully explain. But even stranger maybe, is the fact that us humans are without prehensile tails. Sure they make no sense evolutionarily speaking, but how awesome would a tail be?



I mean, seriously.

Upcoming Shows

I have two main loves. Music and Comedy. I think there's something about the immediacy of a live performance that I find so attractive.

I haven't found a list that includes all of these together, so check it out.
I'm not planning on updating this list very often if at all, so if you like it, tell me.
And if you can think of anything I forgot, let me know.

So without further ado, here is my personal list of upcoming shows in the LA area:



M = music
C = comedy
F = Film (new as of February 28)
W = writer (The only one on there is the David Sedaris appearance at Royce Hall on 4/29)
MC = Music and Comedy

M 2/25- Daedalus @ Low End Theory
C 3/03- Bill Maher @ Comedy and Magic Club
F 3/04- Double Feature: Vicky Cristina Barcelona/ Volver@ the new bev
F 3/05- Double Feature: Vicky Cristina Barcelona/ Volver@ the new bev
F 3/06- Double Feature: The Man With Two Brains/ Dead Men Don't Wear Plaids (With discussion by Carl Reiner) @the aero
F 3/07- Double Feature: The Jerk/ All of Me @ the Aero
M 3/07- M83 w/ The LA Phil @ Walt Disney Concert Hall
M 3/10- Efterklang @ Spaceland
M 3/12- Plants and Animals / Castledoor @echo
C 3/12- Maria Bamford @ Art Theatre LB
MC 3/13- Smothers Brothers @ La Mirada Theatre
F 3/25- Double Feature: Ride the High Country/ The Wild Bunch
F 3/26- Double Feature:Ride the High Country/ The Wild Bunch
M 3/25- Marnie Stern @echo
M 3/27- Pelican @ The Troubadour
C 3/27- Louis C.K.
M 3/28-Chad VanGaalen w/Women @ Spaceland
C 3/28- Patton Oswalt @ Largo
MC 4/04- Comedian Eugene Mirman and musician John Wesley Harding @ Largo
M 4/10- Leonard Cohen @ Club Nokia
M 4/17- Coachella
M 4/18- Coachella
M 4/19- Coachella
W 4/29- David Sedaris @ Royce Hall
C 4/30- Russell Peters @ Improv Brea
M 5/01- Black Lips @ El Rey Theatre
M 5/02- Yann Tiersen @ El Rey
M 5/08- Iron & Wine @ Hollywood Forever Cemetary
C 5/15- Jeremy Hotz@ Comedy and Magic Club
M 5/16- Mogwai @ Orpheum Theatre
M 5/19- The Decemberists @ The Palladium
M 5/28- Fleetwood Mac @ Staples Center
M 5/29- Animal Collective @ The Wiltern
M 6/30- Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood @ The Hollywood Bowl
M 7/05- Death Cab For Cutie @ The Hollywood Bowl
M 8/05- Miles Davis/ Gil Evans: Still Ahead (Miles Davis and Gil Evans will be unable to attend)
M 8/20- Depeche Mode @ Santa Barbara Bowl
M 8/22- Sunset Junction
M 8/23- Sunset Junction
C 8/27- Daniel Tosh @ Improv Irvine
C 8/28- Daniel Tosh@ Improv Irvine
C 8/29- Daniel Tosh@ Improv Irvine
C 8/30- Daniel Tosh@ Improv Irvine
M 9/11- Bebel Gilberto w/ Seu Jorge @ The Hollywood Bowl
M 9/12- Bebel Gilberto w/ Seu Jorge @ The Hollywood Bowl
M 9/13- Bebel Gilberto w/ Seu Jorge @ The Hollywood Bowl
C 9/24- Norm MacDonald@ Improv Irvine
C 9/25- Norm MacDonald@ Improv Irvine
C 9/26- Norm MacDonald@ Improv Irvine
C 9/27- Norm MacDonald@ Improv Irvine
M 10/31- Nosferatu with Organ Accompaniment @ Walt Disney Concert Hall

It’s a Bar Mitzvah Memoir!

The Following is a memoir of sorts that I wrote for a comedy writing class I am in. Enjoy:




I should start this story off by saying I'm of the Jewish faith. It may be an obvious detail, as my last name is Steiner. That and the fact that I look decidedly Jewish, but still, it seems like a necessary detail. Anyways, at the time when my Bar Mitzvah came around, I was in middle school.

The Bar Mitzvah is, for all intents and purposes the Jewish celebration in which everyone in your family comes together to celebrate the fact that you are old enough to get an erection. It's a family event resembling a wedding except all your friends are thirteen and you don't get to wear a tuxedo. Oh and there's usually a theme such as guitars or comic books

I should interject at this point to explain something about Judaism. You see, modern Judaism is divided into three sects. There is Orthodox Judaism, which is essentially Shiite Judaism. No meat with dairy, synagogue every other day or something. There's Conservative Judaism, which I don't really know much about to be honest. And finally, there's Reform Judaism, which is what I am. Reform Judaism is made up of all the people who want to be able to eat cheeseburgers, but also want to hold people up in chairs.

Anyways, I say all of this because when I had my Bar Mitzvah, it was at a reform synagogue. And we had all of our family there. And I should mention that most of my father's side of the family is Orthodox.

Now the rabbi at the synagogue I was at, was a woman. And I'm all for equal rights (you know, as far as white people go) but the Jewish religion is an old one and it states quite clearly that being a rabbi is the job of a man. It's accepted in Reform Judaism and even in Conservative Judaism I believe, but it is pretty frowned upon in Orthodox Judaism.

Still most of my family came out for the celebration. In fact all of my family came out. All except for my great grandfather.

You see, my great grandfather was a very religious man. In fact I don't even know much more about him. Just that he was a religious man, and he liked the movie Patton.

So, anyways, my great grandfather is refusing to go to my Bar Mitzvah simply because my rabbi is a woman. and there's a lot of drama because of it, mostly for my Dad who was a lot closer to my great grandfather than I was.

In the end, the Bar Mitzvah went on without him.
But the jokes on him, cuz he's dead now.